· 

To forgive than to be right

My dad pretty much checked out as I was born. He was alcoholic, abusive and left us when I was 10. The last I remembered of him was a phone call, where he said, "I am starting a new business. When I earn a lot of money, I promise I'd come and find you." 


Years passed. Occasionally there will be rumors that he is in town, but we never heard from him. Life went on.

 

Whenever I am reminded that I do not have a father, I sense pride that I did not let that turn into a victim story where I feel sorry for myself. I also noticed numbness - which I took it as acceptance of the status quo.

 

However, I realised I have the wrong beliefs about men. I worked very hard in working on my insecurities and I thank my husband and his father for showing me otherwise, that not all men are unfaithful or un-trustworthy.

 

Most father's days, I will thank my mother for taking the role of the sole breadwinner for us 3 daughters. This year,  a friend, Yian, asked me to moderate for his Intimate Moments Ep 50 - Father's Day podcast. I agreed with the intention of expanding my perspectives, to learn from others who are very different fathers than the only one I knew.

 

What a privilege it was, to be in the same room with 3 great men - James, Jay and Richard. As I reflected on the experience, I realised I was at my worst in moderation. I am not a stranger to moderation, so why was I nervous, awkward and just out of words?

 

As I re-watched the podcast, Jame's sharing relieved my guilt.

“the Conversations with my dad are awkward and clumsy. i do it anyway... wishing having a different father and son relationship.”

I came face to face with my inner child. The low confidence and insecure child. I have never been in a room with fathers, talking about fatherhood before. I saw the love and pride they have as they spoke about their children, and the yearning for connection from their fathers - who were imperfect themselves. I was both confused and also in awe. And I felt exactly that, awkward and clumsy.

 

The topic of "fatherhood" has always been a hollow, white noise whenever I tuned in all these years. Jay, James and Richard's longing for their fathers moved me. It was a long, forgotten feeling.

 

Now, as I listen deeply - there are more than one voice (You can read more about them here). 

 

"I am afraid." "Where will this go?" "Do I really want to keep in touch?" (Voice of Fear - the hurt inner child)

"We are fine all these while. Is there really a need to rock the boat?" "Why is it worth the pain?" (Voice of Judgement - the Ego defense)

[silence]

I hear a whisper, "I want to let him know, I forgive." (Voice of Compassion)

"He will be relieved. Forgiveness is such a gift and blessing to my own father." (Voice of Wisdom)

...........................................................................................................................................................

As I sorted my voices out, I am no longer stuck in fear.

 

I choose from love, not fear. 

I choose to honor my hurt inner child, she deserves to be loved. So much. She will not be ignored anymore.

I choose courage and compassion, over and over again.

I choose to forgive, than to be right.

 

Elle has since received her mother's blessing, and has reached out to search for her long lost father for 25 years.

Circles

Dyads

Authentic relating games

Psychoeducation Workshops 

Group Coaching

1:1 Coaching

 

For public speaking, collaboration and other enquiries, 

click "Book now" or contact us via our contact us form!

Book an appointment with Relating Authentic World using Setmore
Powr.io content is not displayed due to your current cookie settings. Click on the cookie policy (functional and marketing) to agree to the Powr.io cookie policy and view the content. You can find out more about this in the Powr.io privacy policy.